Despair and Philosophical Thoughts

You ever have those moments where you question life……what it all means…and why sometimes life is just wanting to beat you down over and over again with a stick…that as hard as you try to be decent and nice…you lose family, friends, loved ones and you wonder does your life have meaning…have you really touched that many people..that your life would matter…I guess the fates decide that after your gone…I know death well…and I don’t think the people I lost ever truly knew how much they meant to me…feeling kind of philosophical and questioning life in general…
I always try to be optimistic and look on the good side of everything - but sometimes you have those days where nothing has gone right - you feel lost - I feel lost probably more cause I can’t dial my mom up when I have moments like these and I haven’t really felt “security” in life till I met my husband and step-daughter.  They make me feel I belong to something or someone.

I have my siblings sure, but since my mom’s passing things from high school on weren’t the same.  She was the rock that held us all together. And my family are busy a lot with their families.

I just question life sometimes that’s all - the meaning - I try so hard to be good but I’m not perfect and I do stupid things and I fail a lot at life like anyone else. And what I do to comfort myself is think of my husband and step-daughter.

But I lay here thinking about my mom and it’s so heartbreaking when I see others take their moms for granted. And it makes me angry I can’t pick up the phone to vent or ask for her to talk to me about anything or to tell me everything will be alright or security…anything…

I’ve done things in my life I regret and probably wouldn’t of happen if my mom and dad were here today….I did things to survive….I did things I wish I could take back..but alas that’s life….sometimes I wish I was normal or could go back to when my mom was alive and I had not a care in the world.

My husband has been my rock, and I try my hardest to show him I appreciate it. But alas  sometimes I wonder if I have affected many people’s lives…like my mom did. This was a post from one of those nights I was feeeling crappy and philosophical tonight and the meaning of life in general…sorry for the depressing entry…but I like to be honest with my fans and let you in on me and how I’m feeling…