Why I'm Not Perfect!

I am so far from perfect...it's funny sometimes!

I've been married 2 times...

I have had to have lots of surgeries to fix me to look better...

and I am no where near the life I had imagined for myself when I was young!

ha ha ha ha

Perfection isn't real...it pretty much doesn't exist, except in how we envision things to be in our mind.

My sister once told me that my imagination is so great...nothing will live up to how great I imagined it!

ha ha ha ha ha

and if you struggle with perfection...like I do...it can be soooo frustrating!

I always worry that I didn't make the perfect decision, buy the perfect "whatever" at the lowest price...

I have realized that the most beautiful things in life are the ones with imperfections...

the most wonderful people are the ones that are far from perfect...

My mother knew that every imperfection and imperfect thing that happens to us...can be the very thing that makes us the most beautiful.

Just like a pearl...it's the little imperfection that gets turned into something beautiful.

I remember someone unkind, commented how I wasn't pretty enough or I was to skinny...and one of my friends told me, "yeah, but if they were so happy with themselves why would they go out of their way to pick on you?!  There is probably jealousy and envy behind those statements."
My life may be far from perfect...things that have happened in my life have looked far from perfect...but each one...has turned into the most perfect, imperfect thing.

I love being imperfect:

•  I love the fact that I'm short (I always wanted to be tall, but if I was tall I'd want to be short)


• I love that my body isn't perfect..and I don't care if I get cellulite...I'm still gonna wear a bathing suit out!


• I love that my life has been more exciting because of how "imperfect" it's been...married two times...porn...etc (ha ha ha)...


• I've never had the perfect life I thought...I had...and that's okay I wouldn't change the life I have now for anything.  The people I have in my life I wouldn't change for anything


• I love that I have a step-daughter!  Rather than adopting one.  She is my little darling!


• I love the fact that no matter how imperfect I am - my husband still loves all of me

• I love that no matter what comes at me that isn't perfect...I know my mom is saying...you life is like a beautiful mosaic of all different colors...and no matter what you keep adding more beauty to it, through all these different little pieces of broken-ness... a one colored perfect piece would be very boring...


• I could keep going but this will turn from a blog to a novel! ha ha ha

If you feel like your life, relationship, family, body, career...
is imperfect....LISTEN TO ME
YOU ARE WONDERFUL...
YOUR LIFE IS EXCITING AND INTERESTING this way...
LET GO OF PERFECTION!!! AND embrace the beauty of imperfectness!
ONCE YOU DO - YOU WILL BE HAPPIER!!

We don't have to worry about our life not being how we want....it's work in progress...and each thing that goes "wrong"..could be the very piece that will guide us to where we're supposed to be!
incredibly imperfect...your friend Kelly!

From start to finish...

No make up to make up - A lot of people wonder what I look like with out make up etc and so I'm baring myself to the world once again!

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Proud to be Transsexual

You know how many people make the good and the bad lists.  I am going to do this for the reasons I have always come to the conclusion why I am glad I'm a transsexual.  See if you can come up with your own lists.  There is of course bad reasons, but the good outweighs it for me.  I find many focus too much on the negativity, and like playing the victim card.  I have never been one of those types and don't ever plan on being that way.  Playing the victim only weakens you, and turns people away from you.  There's a point when people just don't feel sorry for you anymore.  It makes them want to turn against you!  Nor does it inspire anyone!!  I'm a transsexual and I get annoyed with those people and the transsexuals who do that crap!

I have never liked pity either.  I hate when people say "Wow, your life must of been so hard", "I'm sorry", "It must be hard being like you", and so on.  Umm NO not really!  GRRR!!

1) I transitioned young (age 12) it was a big decision to make.  It challenged my maturity, self-awareness, confidence, and the people around me.  I am thankful for this experience.  It's made me more thankful for my family who supported me, the friends who stood behind me, challenged me to change people's minds, and gave me a will to be me.

I truly believe if I hadn't of transitioned at the age I did.  I would of been a shell of a person.  Unhappy, mad at the world, and held fear inside my very being.

I also believe if I had been born a genetic female.  I wouldn't have the wisdom, confidence, or backbone I gained from being a transsexual.  I probably would not think outside the box like I do now. I might be one of the people who didn't understand minorities or people who are different.  I may be a brain dead wannabe like so many are today.

2) I'm happy to be different than others. Otherwise I would take this life, my friends, and normalcy for granted. I cherish the normal life I've been able to live.  I cherish the friends I've made, the family who stands beside me and accepts me, and the understanding and wisdom of myself and things around me.  Something I wouldn't of had otherwise.

3) It challenged my confidence giving me a backbone.  A backbone that has pushed me to fight for my community.  Go to high school as a girl, when kids can be the meanest.  My backbone has saved my life and inspired others.

4) It showed me true cruelty, and true kindness.  Something many don't see till they are older.

5) It showed me who my true alliances were and the love of a family.

6) It's given me an understanding of both sexes.

7) It's tested my patience, making me a lot harder to blow a gasket.

8) It's made me work harder for my looks, and be thankful for them when I achieved them. (many take for granted)

9) It's taught me empathy, compassion, and understanding. Something many don't have, nor will they ever have.

10) Last but not least, it's taught me to be thankful for the freedom I have to be me.  We take freedom for granted.

RIP Bridget

Something I wrote for Bridget...

Thank goodness for the internet! Sometimes you come across a kindred spirit. Who is just a beautiful person inside and out. That you would of never of known with out the invention of this thing called the internet.


I met Bridget just that way a few years ago on a message board. She was funny, bright, and attractive. I don't think Bridget ever really knew this though. A young transitioner always looking to better her looks. She was already to the point of passability with out any surgery.


She was going to college and living a normal every day girl life. We spoke more in chatrooms and we would laugh and goof off. Just have a barrel of laughs. Her personality was sweet, caring, and comedic. A little bit of a rambler that came across as cute. But always looking for advice from other girls to look better. When in my opinion the girls she was asking, couldn't touch her in looks or personality.


I think many girls are like this - I would tell her every time we spoke "Not to go overboard and she already looks great". She would tell me her idol or wanted to like Audrina Partridge. She recently made a consultation appointment with Dr. Zukowski to gain this goal in her life. I was supposed to meet with her while she was here, but my husband and I got busy so I couldn't make it. She was coming back to see Dr. Zukowski again and stay a few weeks she said! Which would of been awesome to of seen her then. I'm so upset I didn't get a chance to actually meet her. If I had of known I would of gone out of my way to meet this lovely angel.


Bridget, would confide in me about personal problems and other things going on in her life. However I never thought it was anything she couldn't handle. She always came off bright and bubbly. So to know that she decided to take her own life is just shocking and upsetting to me. It just proves that there needs to be more outreach between trans-person to trans-person. She was such a young girl with so much promise and life to lead. I thought when I spoke to her. I made her see that, or at least tried to.


Bridget, I sincerely loved you little girl. Rather we met in person or not. I cherished our talks, our times in chat. It's really the only reason I came into the chatroom to converse with you and of course our friend Ed. I will miss you always, and think of you always. I will push myself more to do the radio show to outreach with transsexuals. You told me it was good I was doing this, and you supported and listened to my radio show. How I wish this didn't happen and you were coming back to Chicago so we could have a day of shopping and talking about your plans for the future.


To know Bridget in my opinion - Was a Gift...She was a bright light that made you laugh.


I wish she had of known how wonderful many of us who knew her thought she was.


I wish she had known that she had so many more wonderful years ahead of her and she was only beginning.


Let's Remember Bridget as the beautiful Angel she was, not for the pain she had inside or the loss of her. Let's celebrate her life and what she was so maybe somehow or someway she can finally feel and KNOW how wonderful and beautiful she really was!


I love you Bridget!!

Dreams!

Don't be scared of your dreams or dreaming...
some people are so scared of failure that they never try...
but the only way to make it happen is to TRY!
Not one successful person will say they didn't try sweethearts!

Your dreams are there for a reason...no one else will create or do what you will. It's like if you asked two people to paint a picture of the same tree..each one would do it entirely different. That's the beauty of each one of us being made unique, with fingerprints and "talent-prints"...that only belong to each of us. No one...NOT ONE, other person has your "talent-prints"....your
"dream-prints"!!!

The world needs you to flourish and blossom your dreams...remember...
YOU ARE THE ONLY GARDENER OF YOUR DREAM GARDEN!!
Make SURE to:

Water your garden...
(Discipline yourself and encourage and fill your dream garden with positive thoughts.)

Pull the weeds...
(the negative thoughts from you and everyone else!)

And last but not least Fertilize...

(encourage yourself daily...despite what anyone else tells you! Tell yourself...I am special, no one else has what I've got! The world needs me)

"You are more beautiful than you know...more talented than you think...and more loved than you can imagine!"- Kelly (my words to each one of you!)

You can do it! Be like a speeding train that no one can stop...headed straight for dream town!

AND one last bit of wisdom my mama told me: "Desire without discipline leads no where!"
so discipline yourself to do something about that precious dream of yours, that keeps knocking at your heart!

You put that dream in the suitcases of your heart...it's time to unpack those dreams and show them to the world!!!

This blog was typed with love and so much encouragement for you...please feel all that I filled it with for you!!! Huge love you wonderful, precious dreamers, you!

You can pass this message on to anyone else that has a "dream garden" that could use this little bit of "dream grower"!

Your Friend - Kelly

Let the tears fall!

I was eating lunch today...and even as my friend was making a joke that made me laugh...a  song came on by Bette Midler...and "safely hidden" from my friend on the phone...tears slipped down my face, as I listened to the song ...and I remember being not even in my teen years, and her saying this is our song and whenever you hear it think of your mommy...my heart just hurt. And I wanted to go back to that time again...I remember shopping with my mom that day for school clothes (the first year I lived as a girl age 12)....

Last night, I checked my phone to see a text from my sister about my mom...and
this song...in combination with some other things going on in my life...made tears fall like rain...but hopefully it washed my heart a little...

Something my momma used to say when she was alive...

"Those who sow (work) in tears..shall reap (take in, receive) in joy!"...this was like the biggest hug to my spirit...

We get these thoughts that try to discourage us...break our spirit...steal our joy....

and we MUST...must....be diligent and courageous in our thinking...not letting these pains and hurts of life...try to stop us...and kidnap our joy...

it never fails...as soon as you start working hard for something..going after your dream...trying to quit a bad habit...repairing an emotional wound....
it seems as if a sign that says "please attack me...make this harder than it is"...comes on...and next thing you know your doubting your ability and your strength...

I cried today a lot....and as no one answered their phone to talk with my "lonely" little self...I had no options left but to listen to a cd....I put in a cd of mine....and the voice boomed through the speakers right to my heart....and made me feel hope again..it was like it was saying...
NEVER GIVE UP!!!! Never let your "down" thoughts keep you down....

if you are hurting.....just know every tear is precious....and it is most definitely watering the beautiful flowers of blessings that are just waiting to spring up!!!

huge, huge love from my heart to you......and please feel the hug I'm sending too....I know I could always use an extra "hug though"......

Your Friend, Kelly

You should not be happy!

Every single one of us has been depressed, sad, hurt, hopeless...
Whether you are sad over a relationship, the lack of a relationship, no job, not the job you want, no money, huge bills, you're frustrated with your life, your family... 

You should not be happy!

This probably sounds weird coming from me...who seems eternally happy...so happy, that some people have accused me of being fake! They couldn't figure out how someone could be happy all the time!
And the truth is, I'm not happy all the time.

 

Happiness is based on some thing or event, that MAKES you FEEL happy. (It makes me happy when someone hugs me or says something nice to me....those are my personal examples....)...but JOY is really what I have. Joy is what's in your heart no matter what is going on around you...

I have been through some less than wonderful things in my life, but I have been joyful during these...I've been able to smile, laugh, and be joyfully "happy" during these times... 

Not a lot of people have joy in their hearts...and happiness is too wishy-washy to depend on...
If someone doesn't make us happy, we're sad, if nothing exciting or hopeful happens, we're sad...if someone hurts our feelings, we're sad...but JOY is something that we experience in our hearts...that isn't dependent on outside circumstances...

People ask me, "how are you so happy?"....And I answer my mom gave me/taught me the meaning of joy in my life. If you don't agree with me, that's totally fine....if you do, that's awesome...I just wanted the share the reason that I have joy in my life. Joy is what has always gotten me through everything!

Here's one thing that I heard yesterday, that was so great to let sink into my heart.

Be joyful always; give thanks in all circumstances!


Have the most joyfully day!!! Huge love from my heart to yours, and as my grama used to sign her letters: "JOYFULLY", Kelly

PUT YOUR CART AWAY :P

Live a better life...by doing small things that other people don't...
like putting your shopping cart back....picking up the hanger that fell off as you look for the right size pants....

I was at Forever 21 (a cheap & trendy clothing store)...and I was dropping hangers of pants on the floor...
and me...who worked in a clothing store, many moons ago (at a Victoria's Secret, TJ MAXX)...would hate it when people would knock stuff off, and not even have the decency to pick it up- it was their fault it fell! ha ha ha
So as I picked up all the clothes I dropped...the sales girl was amazed AND appreciative...she said, "oh thank you so much! Nobody picks up anything usually!"...
The little things like this, are what make our character...
even if no one is looking, I put my shopping cart back in the shopping cart "cage"...(and heck, you'll burn a few extra calories! ha ha ha)...

When you go the extra mile with the small things...in life...you'll be amazed at the "big" changes you'll start to notice in life...

after all, it's the little things that matter...and help make the big things amazing!

huge love and remember to put your carts back! ha ha ha ha
Kelly the cart girl